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Hi ,A heads up: this post is about how a history we have with someone, such as a parent, can insidiously block us from moving forward in our lives. If it resonates with you, I want you to know that two weeks ago I delved deep into this (1hr and 45 minutes deep) sharing my personal struggle with this, giving real, applicable and potentially life changing tools on how to change it, as well as coached two people on the spot on how to cope with their story with a parent. This recording, both video (you just see me) AND an audio only version was posted to each member's area. Members? Well, yes. My Emotional Fitness Membership is basically my newsletters come to life, and so far, people have said it's like "cross fit of the mind", or "better than therapy", and just "really supportive". If you want to listen to that recording for FREE as well as the past 5 months of this membership on topics such as: how to truly deal with Fear, How to create healthy boundaries, How to understand your emotions and more, then sign up for your 30 day free trial. You'll have access to hours of serious content where I teach every single thing I have learned, experimented with, coached on, and integrated into my life, which has indeed led me to more happiness, and a SIGNIFICANTLY higher self esteem. If after the month you decide you don't want to be a member, ZERO pressure, guilt and everything in between. Just cancel. It's really easy. All I want to do is help. I try my best to go above and beyond and give as much value as I can.Are you or someone you know single? If so, as promised, I started a blog just for singles. Rather than complicating it with yet another email sent to your inbox, just go to this link to read the last two posts. If you're not single, maybe forward it to them? Ok, here we go.Do you know what has a chokehold on your life? The “thing” that has you by the neck pulling you back, keeping you from moving on, letting go, moving forward. What are the shackles around your ankles that are dragging you down?
Whatever has a chokehold on you controls you.
Chokeholds are the stresses and internal conflicts that keep you from feeling what you want to feel, from having the intimacy you crave, from having the job you want, and the relationships you want. It can be related to a relationship, a job or a past event. It could be your entire childhood. But one thing is unquestionable: we have the power to remove any chokehold. We’ll probably need some help doing it, but then again, every time we accomplish anything, we do it with it help.
We all have at least one or even many. Some are intense binds that have been deeply imbedded into our subconscious, controlling our decisions and behavior for years. Some aren’t that tight. You could also have a chokehold that isn't about what happened to you in the past. It really doesn't have to be that huge. It could be happening right now in your business, in your romantic relationship, or any family relationship you have. There is, however, one thing they all have in common: Your thoughts. Whatever has you tied up, trapped in the rut, stuck in the ditch - whatever is wrapped so tightly around you that prevents you from progress - exists because of how you think about the situation, the person, the event, and yourself.
For example:
In business, let’s say someone (perhaps you) is having a hard time increasing sales and/or expanding their business. On the surface, this could be for many reasons including sales and growth strategies. So yes, bad strategy could be seen as the chokehold. Dig deeper though, and what you will always find is that a thought, or a belief the business owner has about her or his business is what is creating the internal conflict. The owner questions what they are capable of, or justifies why she can’t do this or that, or convinces himself why he can’t hire people, or is simply limited in what she believes is possible. In other words, it always boils down to a person’s psychology: their thoughts about their business (and themselves IN business) that lead to their REAL chokehold, aka, internal conflict.
Does this make sense?
Let’s take a relationship (any kind):
If you’re experiencing a persistent problem within a relationship, no doubt it’s holding you back or down in some way. So, yes, you could say that the relationship has a chokehold on you. In a romantic relationship specifically, it could be that both people are not aligned anymore. They have different dreams, desires, and visions for what their future looks like. In such cases, ending the relationship could be an effective way of removing that chokehold. (To read about when to end a relationship, click here) But we will always have our thoughts and feelings about our relationship to be accountable for. For instance, when you’re caught up in blame with a story about what went down repeating in your head. Like, how wronged you were, or how he did this or she said that, or how f*cked up it was. Those thoughts will keep you in a prison, and they’ll become the chokeholds that prevent you from breaking your own relational patterns. Bottom line though, those stories will rob you of truly moving on and being content doing so.
Do you have an ex who has a chokehold on you? Or perhaps it’s a parent? Actually let me clarify: your ex or your parent (or anyone else you could be thinking about) don’t actually have you in the choke. It’s how you feel about the events, interactions, and issues that took place with this person that is the real chokehold. It’s your thoughts about him. Or her. Or “it”. - it’s the meaning you give it all.
Many of us, including myself, are haunted by a parent in some way. We are haunted by stories that we tell ourselves about what happened to us long ago in childhood. Many of these stories can serve as powerful and negative reference points for our identity as adults, and when combined, they become the chokehold that keeps us from truly thriving in life. They prevent us from evolving, and most importantly, from feeling more of the peace we deserve to feel.
It could be a small story, or a big one of neglect and abandonment. I am not suggesting the trending pop psychology tag lines: “choose love over fear”, “love yourself first”, etc. Nor am I suggesting that you soften your boundaries if that’s unsafe for you. But what I am suggesting is accepting the fact that perhaps you were dealt a shitty parent hand, and that you may never have the relationship you want with them. But, then again, maybe you will. It depends on your situation. I’m also saying that because of your parent’s (or anyone you could be thinking of) limitation, you have skills, strengths, and beliefs about life that have and are serving you in a big way. You have a strength inside of you that if you seriously contemplated, you would remember how it’s been your ally throughout your life.
And we truly do need strength to live this life. Life can be very hard. Brutal at times. I think it’s best to be real about this fact. Resilience is good. Strength in the form of grit, of making shit happen, of self reliance and resilience are seriously critical skills. Strength in the form of being able to let go, in vulnerability, in being more attuned to other people’s needs and energy - are also MAJOR skills that are vital for life and relationships. This giant strength is only built through obstacle. Grit, vulnerability, independence: they are all muscles and muscles only grow when we tear their fibers, exhausting them with the heavy lifting we’re forced to do. Muscles grow by swimming against the current.
It’s definitely easy to list all the ways “it” was wrong, even terrible. Personally, I know exactly what to focus on that’ll boil my blood instantaneously. But I won’t really let myself go there anymore because to feel the adrenaline rush of vindication is not what I’m after these days. It simply doesn't help me. Its like being in a head lock.
I’m not saying: “be grateful for what happened to you”: even though you might feel twinges of thankfulness along the way. All I’m trying to convey is: perhaps there is another meaning you can give it, one that loosens the noose.
I was recently interviewed about my story and on forgiveness:
“My relationship with my father is a big story, but when we have a limited parent, who we later become and what we’re able to contribute can stretch well beyond any of those limitations. No doubt, that pain has shaped who I am today, positively. Also, my ex. If it weren’t for some of the hell I went through with him I would not be on the trajectory that I’m on now. I hope that anyone reading this can consider how someone they have felt deeply wronged by is actually also responsible for leading them in the right direction. Forgiveness is born there.”To being free.All my love,Jillian
