Sharpen your communication with this one tool.
“I feel like I’m being taken for granted when…..”
“I feel pissed that….
“I feel like when this happens you don’t care and it’s upsetting…”
Are you an “I feel” communicator? I know I am, big time. In an age and culture where topics such as communication, feelings, and intimacy are written and talked about A LOT, we’ve been taught to share our feelings by saying ‘I’ at the beginning of a sentence, not ‘YOU’. And it’s true. We SHOULD say I, and not YOU – “you” goes into blame, and blame only encourages defensiveness. Then a fight is born. But saying “I feel” before a statement does NOT make it good communication. Actually, it’s often a sneaky fake out.
If you look at the above statements carefully, “I feel” has replaced “you” but it’s still an accusation. Accusation is blame and it always leads to battle. In other words, it’s human nature to defend ourselves when we feel under attack, and accusations are attacks. To communicate effectively, we have to blame proof our language AND delivery on a consistent basis.
So WHAT the eff IS good communication?? When you are willing to be vulnerable and express what you authentically feel using your voice as an effective vehicle to carry your message. Huh?? I know I KNOW! It sounds like a bunch of self-help shit as I write it. But this is the truth: We HAVE to become aware of the words and sounds we habitually use in our communication. We are the conductors of our speech, so aim to orchestrate your words and tone to create ease in another’s nervous system, and they’ll listen.
Here’s an example:
Instead of:
“I feel like you’re not present when you’re always on your phone and texting when we’re together.” (notice your breath, or lack of it here)
Try:
“When we’re together and you’re always on your phone, I feel disconnected from you and a little lonely.”
Here, you are commenting on the lack of presence by courageously expressing
what that lack feels like in your heart
. AND, if you said that, your voice would definitely have a softer
volume
and lower
pitch
, because you are expressing deep vulnerability and truth. We slow down when we express from our hearts- always. So, your
pace
would be slower compared to the pace of an accusation. Your
timbre
, which is the emotional quality or attitude you bring to what you say will reveal what you TRULY feel in that moment: sadness and loneliness.
Do NOT
fall into this trap:
“I feel like shit when you’re on your phone.”
Although it’s more honest than option A, it’s angry and non-specific. You’ll most likely deliver it as such with a sharp tongue, harsh voice, higher pitch, and faster pace. All of which will not land very well, and trigger defensiveness.
This takes practice, and if you’re trapped in the “I feel” habit every time you’re trying to get a message across, you’ll have to consistently stop yourself mid breath, and re route. It IS worth it though, cause you have to remember that “I feel” is meaningless unless you are truly, all bullshit aside, expressing your desires and fears.
Please give this a go! See it as a science experiment, and have fun with it. ALL HABITS ARE REPLACEABLE. It just takes two things: 1. You have to want to communicate well badly enough so that you 2. Practice the new habit hard. I’d love to hear how it goes for you, so if you’d like to share your experience, please reach me through
.
Oh! Before I forget: I’m almost finished writing a mini training about how to break one of the
most
painful patterns that dooms any relationship. It started off as a blog post, but I realized that because it is such an important topic that’s close to my heart, I needed to write SO much more about it, AND gift it to you. This training will only be available to subscribers, so if you know anyone who wants to radically improve her/his relationship(s) please encourage them to subscribe to my newsletter so I can help.
Here’s to being the conductors of our speech.
All my love,
Jillian
