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Hey ,When I was 10 years old my father, a psychiatrist, wrote a book called “The Difficult Child”. It was quickly touted as one of the more influential books on child psychology and was placed in bookstores next to psych legends like Dr. Spock. He was a guest on the Oprah Winfrey show twice; once to promote and discuss his book, and the second time because he had become Oprah’s go-to expert on various issues regarding children. What was the book about?? Me.
I won’t bore you with too many details, but basically as a baby I cried all the time and adhered to no circadian rhythm, exhausting my mom. As I grew into toddler years, I needed a ton of structure, hated the way certain fabrics felt on my skin, and would only eat bologni sandwiches for lunch and spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner. I also had tantrums all the time. My sisters, in contrast, were more “normal” - one being much older, and the other with a much quieter nature. My father, being a child psychiatrist, wanted to understand why I behaved like this - why I was the child at the park who with “no apparent trigger” would go ballistic with screaming and crying, sending my mom into a panic as she tried to console me. (She was always successful eventually). So, he put me in a petrie dish, studied me, and diagnosed me as a 'Difficult Child'. The book was four part-ish in it’s message. One: that ‘difficult children’ were born with a genetic makeup making them as such, two: to help parents understand that they were not failures, three: he gave parents tools on how to deal with us which included structure, specific communication, and more. And finally, four: that I had other qualities: I was funny, imaginative, and smart and socialized well with other children. (so not all was lost!) Oh and because I was 11 when the book came out, I actually got over it and was a well adjusted “normal” kid. Hooray! The readers had something to look forward to. But despite outgrowing being ‘difficult’, the identity was a tough one to shake; I was referred to it my whole young childhood, and for MANY years I would meet parents who after learning my name would flip out with a gleeful “omg I read your dad’s book!...”. I wasn't Jillian. I was Difficult. This was 32 years ago. The book has little relevance today, (thankfully) as we now know that although they may have certain genetic and characterological proclivities, children react to their environment, and if they are very SENSITIVE, they feel everything, including their parents’ emotions. I could go on… but I won’t.Cut to: 4ish years ago: Things were declining between my then husband and I, and even though the end was near, we kept trying. One evening as I was eating dinner, he came home from work all jazzed about a purchase he’d made. He reached into his bag enthusiastically and took out a book. With a proud voice he said, “I wanted to understand you better - and now I think I get you!!” He handed the book to me. I half smiled, and took it from his hands. “The Highly Sensitive Person”. I took a few minutes to skim it’s pages. There was no question I related to a lot of it (and even have recommended the book to several people). But it didn't change the fact that I felt diagnosed. And misdiagnosed to boot. Paradoxically, I had never felt more misunderstood in my life. “Totally, I said…. but… I’m really so much more than that.”
We are all so much more than our behaviors, and it’s our duty to NEVER assign a negative identity to someone we love, including oneself. Does this mean we ignore bad behavior? Of course not, in fact it’s quite the opposite. We have to target the behavior not the person.
Don't say things like:“you’re selfish” “you’re crazy” “you’re difficult” “you’re foolish”“you’re an asshole”.
When you assign a negative identity to someone, you immediately break trust. Because in that moment, all you prove to this person is that you deeply misunderstand them, and feeling misunderstood is deadly to relationships of all kinds. It kills intimacy, attraction AND trust. Ouch.
So what should you do when someone really upsets you?
Target the behavior:“It really hurt when you said ___”“I don’t like it when you do ____”“When you did ___, it really frustrated me”
You have a right to tell someone when something they do upsets you. But note this is very different than accusing this person of BEING THEIR BEHAVIOR. No matter how deep the frustration runs, you gotta catch yourself before you go there. Because when the intoxication of your fear wears off, you’ll be left with a pretty nasty hangover. A fight hangover. And it’s depleting to say the least.
Listen, we’ve all done this, and we’ve all been on the receiving end. And when we are, our instinct will always be to defend our identity. My point is, no good comes out of it. But when we decide to target the behavior and not the person, it’s a 2 mm shift that'll have a seismic impact on your relationships.
Here’s to all of our many parts...Love,Jillian
