Healthy love looks like....

Hi there,In last week's newsletter, I pointed out the necessity of accepting and loving the little child in someone you love because we all just want to feel accepted. 

However, it is also the little creature who resides in all of us who will behave dysfunctionally in our adult relationships. 

There’s going to be times when you feel insignificant in a relationship: Ignored, under-appreciated, taken for granted, not considered, and simply just not as important as you need to feel in order to feel safe and loved.

The question is, what do you do about it? 

Do you withdraw?Become needy?Please?Do you manipulate?Become an ice queen?Moody teenager?Have an angry tantrum?Become a sarcastic d*ck?Defensive, refusing accountability?Shut down?

There is a defenseless, wounded, hurt little child is in all of us, and we must both honor her, AND put him in his place. Often.

It does not make you a bad person to go there inside of a relationship. Nor does it make the person with whom you are in relationship bad either.

It doesn’t make it OK either.

Will that wounded child magically disappear? No. Nor should she anyway. He’s a part of us. But, if the hurt little being is getting in the way of you having healthy and functional relationships of any kind, then its time to get really clear about what’s making this kid control your adult life. Get all the help you need.

Sometimes, actually scratch that - most of the time, especially in romantic relationships, two people who are not getting along are just in a habit of reacting to their feelings of insignificance based on old childhood programming and memories.

If you’re having trouble in yours, it’s not his/her fault. Both of you are living in the wound too often.

The irony is that all too often we let the wounded child inside of us run the show, and the fun kid in us we slap on the wrist and tell to go away.

Life would be much, much grander if we flipped that.

When you go to the hurt insignificant you, don’t stress it. Just breathe and when you’ve taken it too far, promptly take accountability and apologize. Taking that sort of ownership is medicine for a relationship. And, not to mention, it is medicine for you. That is highly functional behavior.

When your loved one is being hurtful, remind yourself that its rarely personal - he, or she, is just in their wound. Doesn’t make it “ok”, but you can temper your reaction when you understand that it isn't really about you. Our triggers are our responsibility.

That being said, when your loved one explains that you are triggering them, listen up. To not listen does not create peace.

I guess at the end of the day, my message is that everyone has to deal with their childhood crap in order to function at a high level in their interpersonal relationships. There is no way around it.

SO.Throw the pained being inside of you love. Love heals.

Then step up as the adult who you are now, and be a kid once and a while: Fun and free of pain.Here's to you, kid.All my love,Jillianps: got daddy issues? read my blog here.