How to make it through hardship 

Hi there,Fyi, I included an older piece on this topic below this one. In case  you feel inclined to read that as well. When you’re in hell, whether it’s the stress of feeling uncertain of your future or the searing pain of loss, you deserve to make it to the other side. But you’re totally responsible for getting yourself there. 

It is a tragic burden to realize that you are the only one who can get you out of hell. Your mom can’t rescue you, your dad can’t, your siblings can’t, your spouse can’t and nor can your children or your shrink. 

As hard as the brutal discovery is that in the end, it all rests on you, it is exactly why we are here. To make it through catastrophe stronger. Depending on the nature of your circumstance, you may get depressed and you may get anxious and that’s to be expected. But it still boils down to this grueling yet necessary understanding. 

It’s not fair. But life isn’t fair, we learn this very early on. 

Life is far more interested in our courage.

The courage to confront ourselves. And to wake up to all the small graces and miracles that happen each day in the form of help: the shrink, the coach, your friend, your family members, that opportunity, that break, and that random smile from a stranger. 

We all need help to make it to the other side of hell. But it’s up to you and it will always be up to you to take whatever help you can and figure out your life. At the other side of hell is the reward of having arrived. And that, I believe, is the most inspiring part of being alive. Being responsible for yourself is a privilege not a punishment.

The question is, when we do in fact muster up the courage, what does it take to actually traverse the catastrophe? Well, it begins with a truth which is that any hell we experience we do so because our expectation of what we thought life would be has not been met. It’s the tragic truth that life will break our hearts, that God will die many times throughout our lives, and that we will too.

The Buddha said life is suffering, which is true. But there is an antidote. This is also true.

The conundrum will always be: how do I feel my pain without stuffing it and also without letting it define who I am?

The answer will always be meaning.

When life breaks your heart and there’s nothing left to break, there is a freedom that comes with that pain. It’s when you realize everything you’ve been desperately hanging on to for dear life is over, and you feel the ironic freedom of no longer having to hold it all together by a thread. You can let go, and by letting go, you actually clutch your life by the reigns, and steer.

I do not believe happiness is a noble pursuit. In fact, I think pursuing it is a recipe for depression. Instead, we must always search for meaning. 

Life is far more interested in our bravery. It’s interested in making us strong. Strong enough to endure, to push through, to wait, to surrender, to be vulnerable, and to be tough.

Happiness is a side effect of reducing the suffering through facing your fears, and confronting yourself fully. Life can be brutal but who you are is more than that brutality. Your spirit is irrepressible. You are in fact designed to make it the other side. And once you get there, build the life you were supposed to have all along.Here's to the other side.All my love,Jillian*from a while back...*

June 2nd marked the 5 year anniversary of a major crisis in my life, but truth be told, the situation began several months before that day - and like an avalanche, it got bigger and stronger until it reached it’s critical mass.   

Left behind was the carnage of what felt like mass destruction. I suppose anyone would have had a hard time with the hand that was dealt to me, but as with all such happenings in life, the intensity partly depends on the one who is experiencing it. The beholder of it all.

So much happened around that time, too much to explain, here, now. The headliner story of June 2nd was that my marriage ended abruptly while I had a miscarriage and my mother had 5 months to live. What quickly followed: Death, divorce, moving.

No doubt, big.  

I no longer wear the badge of pain that story tainted my heart with for so long. Sure, it is a story in my life, but I wish to focus on what happened after. I think it will help you. I hope.

That kind of loss is a harsh reality of life, and no one should have to experience it all at once. My mother once gave me very wise advice after a break-up in my younger years: She said that we aren’t grieving so much the loss of the person, but more so the loss of a dream. Again, this was told to me within the context of a break-up, but so much of it applies to all suffering - whether it be the gut wrenching, ‘I don't know if I can survive’ pain, or just the run-of-the-mill suffering of being disappointed. 

A sizable part of my torment was because my life took a sharp detour off the road I’d chosen to be on, heading to where I had chosen to go. I had a blueprint, just like you do, of what my life was supposed to be like, to look like, to feel like - and this new reality of mine did not match my blueprint. At all. 

All pain - be it stress, loss, disappointment or fear, happens when our life conditions do not match our blueprint of how life is supposed to be in that moment. Suffering is different. Suffering is when our life conditions do not match our blueprint, AND we believe we have no control. 

I had no control over the circumstances. But sometimes we do. Sometimes we’re unhappy with a situation and we can change the situation, and realign our blueprint with our life’s conditions. But what is one to do when everything is a mess and there’s nothing you can do to change it?

Sure, surrender and acceptance are a huge part of the equation; both serve as the foundation onto which all else is built. We must begin with accepting what is, and to resist it will only strip you of whatever energy you have left. And you need that energy for something vitally important.

Because you do have control over something. There is something that can be done -  you don't have to feel like a feather succumbing to every subtle shift of air.

When your life conditions do not match your blueprint AND you have no control over these conditions, you have two choices: 1. suffer  2. change your blueprint.

I had to change my blueprint. My old blueprint was: My mom would live to old age, I would be married with a child, healthy, happy, teaching yoga while someone watch my baby. (There’s more details to this blueprint, but I’ll spare you).

My new blueprint I had to build, slowly adding to the canvas as a painter might, holding both a vision of what she’ll create as well as an openness to what might unfold from her brush. 

It was slow, dirty, rocky and hard. It did not take away any of my pain, initially. But it did end the deep, abysmal suffering that can only be felt when we believe that life is against you. It look endless hours of study, tons of money, and all my energy reserves to draw up the print. I basically embarked on a PH D level education but it started with sheer desperation. A desperate plea to the “universe” to feel better. 

There’s so much more, but I fear my message will be convoluted with too much content. So I will leave you with this:

Hell is subjective. 

If you’re worried or stressed, that is a hell in it of itself. So is being disappointed in yourself, your lover, your spouse, your work. It doesn't have to be the hell of losing someone you love. Or, it could be, if that is where you’re at.

When you’re feeling regular shitty stress, worry, or disappointment, immediately shift your focus on to that which you can control. Maybe you can change the circumstance. Think. Get resourceful. Can you? If you can’t, don't suffer. Change your perception of what was supposed to happen by changing your expectations. Render a new draft. If I could do it, you can. I promise.

If you’re in the kinda hell you’re desperate to claw your way out of: Keep breathing. Hire some people. Eat, drink water and rest. Meditate and cry. Feel your emotions. But, leave a little bit of space in your day to focus on what you can control. You may not be able to change what is happening - which I know is deeply painful, but you can start gradually to chip away at a new slab of stone, gently carving a new path to the life you just haven't met yet.

As the poet Mark Nepo describes, “the ever-humbling cycle of growing strong roots comes from eating what grows from our own shit.”

Steer your focus, consciously.

To overcoming hell.

All my love,

Jillian