Hi ,

I haven't written in a while, but I'm very happy to be back. As you may know, I write about love and relationships. Today I'm focusing on the relationship we have to ourselves which ultimately is what determines the quality of our relationship to others.

If you're anything like me, you think a lot. I actually love to think. I love to learn and process concepts and ideas. I love to daydream and imagine conversations I might have in the future. I love to analyze and prepare. 

But where do we draw the line between using our brains effectively and just straight up obsessing? The answer I arrived to after many weeks of personal observation can be described in one word: suffering. And by suffering I mean, wanting to be somewhere where you are not and channeling all your energy  into trying to figure out how you can be where you want to be faster so that you don't have to live with where you actually are.

By "somewhere" I mean any place emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, or otherwise. 

Desire is fundamental to the human experience, and goals are our way of making our desires come to life. The key here is not to stop wanting. In fact, I think many of us could want more but are afraid to because of what we've been conditioned to associate with "wanting more". "Want", "desire", and "more" are words I've reconditioned my brain to see as very positive. "Attachment", however, is another story. Whenever we attach ourselves to a particular outcome, we become obsessed. Obsession leads to worry which leads to endless, circular thoughts that are deluding us into believing that we're "figuring it out". But have you ever noticed that all that trying to 'figure it out' doesn't actually

work?

?

It doesn't work. Instead it works against us. And, I know it's hard to reconcile "wanting and desire" as healthy and attachment as not, but here's what I mean:

Between myself, my clients, students, and many of my friends, I have experienced and witnessed an exorbitant amount of stress. The stress has been caused by wanting to be somewhere else, faster. The "somewhere else" is just a metaphor for having more certainty, security, and a sense of achievement. Therefore, if we are not "over there" and instead we are in the "where we are NOW", we're essentially stuck in uncertainty, insecurity, and feeling unimportant. This is suffering.

But, what if we were actually OK with where we are now at the same time as working towards a solution or goal?

That's the ticket.

I decided one day months ago that I was done damaging my adrenal health for the sake of goals and achievement, and what I discovered is very much worth mentioning. As soon as I made this decision to surrender, and let go of trying to control the outcome and the speed at which I arrived to it, I immediately felt a 500 ton weight lifted off my chest. What followed over the next week was surprising. Most, (not all) of what I thought I wanted I realized was not what I truly wanted. I was under my own spell - a concoction of conditioning and programming from childhood and culture. I was hypnotized into buying into the lie that I had to prove my worth through achievement. No one to blame here. But I took full responsibility.

I slowed down my thinking. I slowed down my needing, I got clarity about what my heart truly wanted to create and contribute, and I decided that I would commit to having more fun along the way. I accepted that I have no control over the timing of things and when I let go of control, time seemed to move faster. I have not lost anything by letting go -  I have only gained more peace, more momentum and more money. And ps, my clients have too. And, the ones who were depleted and frustrated by being single, finally met the right person once they let go of all that attachment.

So, if you don't know what to do or which direction to take, rest. Take a big time out. Meditate. Go for a walk. Take a break from all that effort and angst. All that trying to 'figure it out' is not helping. Let it go and let the answers find you in a quiet moment.

I believe it's time we valued resting more. After all, it's probably the most effective strategy. A paradox, I know.

Here's to solutions.

All my love,

Jillian