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Hey ,Last week I tackled the subject of psychological boundaries with members of my Emotional Fitness Monthly program. I explained how they manifest, why they are essential, and what to do to create healthier ones. What struck me is how much we all suffer here, even if just a little. There are various ways to define boundaries, but knowing what are yours can be pretty hard to identify. One reason for this is because our boundaries appropriately vary in different areas of our lives. Our boundary for a family member can and should be different from what we uphold for a friend or for a lover. Same is true for our work - how we navigate our professional relationships is different from how we steer our personal ones.
Some of our boundaries are too weak. Some too firm. A healthy boundary is supple. It’s both flexible and strong, and as many of us already know, striking that balance can be tricky. The key is not to focus on the balancing act. The key is to focus on what you specifically need to focus on. And then, practice.
Boundaries are not just about saying: “no” although, that is indeed an aspect of it. They’re also not only about respecting another’s right to their “NO” which of course, is a huge part of having healthy boundaries. “No’s” can be applied to various situations: (I’m not referring to obvious sexual boundaries in this post)
“No, I can’t join tonight”“No, I can’t help out today”“No, I will not speak with you”“No, I can’t complete that project now”“No, I can’t be your lover anymore”.
But like I said, setting a healthy boundary is not always akin to saying the word “no”. More often, creating boundaries is about teaching someone we love about what works for us, and what doesn’t. With grace. With honesty. With resoluteness. A resolute commitment to both ourselves, and to the relationship. When we love someone, the boundaries we uphold become acts of service to the love we share with that person. For love cannot grow and sustain itself in a boundary-less environment. It eventually dies, having been suffocated by fear, mixed messages, punishments, and low self esteem.
Today, I’ll focus on 1 specific manifestation of a weak boundary: People pleasing.
You can’t truly contribute to your relationships if your boundaries are too porous. When giving is pleasing, for example, it might FEEL like all you're doing is contributing; but, true contribution is not sacrifice. It doesn't sacrifice your happiness, energy, or self respect. When we please under the guise of “giving,” we want something in return: love. Acknowledgement. Reassurance that we’re enough, or that we won’t be rejected. When you feel like all you do is give in a relationship, it is time to step back and look closely: at yourself. Could it be you’re with a “taker”? Sure. Pleasers and takers do attract one another often. But that still doesn't let any one off the hook of taking a closer look at their own boundaries - or better said, lack of boundaries. To please is not to serve. To please is our last ditch effort to maintain the peace because we’ve convinced ourselves if we don’t, love will be taken away from us.
If our boundaries are too weak, we make it easy to feel emotionally violated, A LOT. People will cross the line when they don't know where the line is. Always remember that. You do it too. We all do. We cross other people’s boundaries simply because we don't know what they are. That's why teaching people how to treat us is the right thing to do. It’s what healthy relationships thrive on.
Boundaries = intimacy. No boundaries = disconnect Walls = disconnect
I do not identify with being a “people pleaser”. But I have fallen prey to the ‘disease to please’ at various points, with certain people, in my life. That's why I’m writing this today. For the self identified people pleasers out there, and for the others, who like me, have felt the sneak attack of trying to appease another person’s feelings because of the fear of disappointing them.
Some signs you’re in pleasing mode:
You say or do something because you feel scared or anxious that you will not be accepted or loved.
You tend to feel others emotions deeply, and have a hard time separating what you feel vs what they feel. And, you feel responsible for their emotions as well.
Sometimes you find it challenging to know what you know as true, because you believe what others feel or say about you.
You feel resentful. You say things to yourself along the lines of “I do everything, and I’m never acknowledged”
You’re exhausted from trying to keep the peace.
You create walls to shield you from your discomfort in relationships. Walls take on many forms such as punishing patterns of withholding, withdrawal, avoidance and anger. Some hide behind the walls of their addictions to drugs, alcohol or food. For others, their wall is their spiritual life. This looks like disengaging from people under the guise of having to work on themselves constantly, or deepen their connection to God or spirit, or through other spiritual practices that shield them from participating in life.
Weak boundaries, people pleasing, building walls to cope - it all stems from our childhoods. Most of us were not taught how to uphold our truth or express our feelings confidently and calmly. Plus we witnessed various boundary violations committed by our parents. And they learned from theirs. The point is not to blame them, ourselves, or the person who we think just “takes.” The point is to get curious about when and where it all began, and to become acutely aware of the tension you feel in your body every time you go into a pattern of pleasing. This is SO key because when/if we people please, we do it from a place that is so DISCONNECTED from ourselves. People pleasing is a form of stuffing our feelings. Instead of expressing how we feel, we reject ourselves and put everyone and everything before us. Then we hate ‘em for it.
When we stuff our feelings, one of two things eventually happen: rage or depression. Doesn’t matter what our pattern is - people pleaser, or not.
That’s why, sooner or later if you don't learn how to say what you need and feel IN THE MOMENT (or at least soon after) you’ll become mightily resentful. And resentment will make anyone irritable and punishing. Then all of a sudden you’re behaving antithetically to your true nature - which is nurturing and giving. This then will make you feel out of alignment with yourself. And that is extremely painful.
So, I promise: the first step after getting curious about the origin of your fear is to get present with yourself. Sounds simple, and it is. One of my teachers, world renowned strategic family therapist Cloe Madanes always teaches that the more complex the problem, the simpler the solution must be. Don’t meet complex with complex. Will you need to investigate this more? Yes, probably. Someone to talk to? Perhaps, yes.
But here’s the more important message I have for every one of you who thinks you give too much:
The giver in you is perfect, please don't try to change that part of you. Giving is your genius, your skill, your gift. The focus must be on the intention. The why you are giving. When you give from a place of love and contribution, you’ll feel literally energized from it. But when you give because you’re afraid you’re not enough, or you don't want to face the truth of your feelings, or you’re craving acknowledgment, your energy will leak out of you, slowly draining your blood of all your vitality and joy. Take it from me as someone who learned the hard way: Your cup is so, so important. When its full, you can truly give. Not please. When your cup is full, you will feel better about yourself, and everyone around you will respect you more too. No one who loves you wants you depleted. Or angry, or depressed. The person you’re pissed at possibly has no clue how much they take. Pleasing, or fearful giving won’t save a dying relationship. It won't actually please a person who is hard to please. It won’t transform a taker into a giver. It won’t make you feel like you’re enough.
And at the end of the day it boils down to a simple question: Is it worse to be rejected by someone or to be rejected by yourself? I think the latter for sure.
Give to yourself as much as you give to others and watch your whole world change.
Be like a baby calf first learning to stand. That is how it’s done. That’s how we break the familiar and introduce the unfamiliar.
To you. You are, and will always be enough.
All my love,
Jillian
