Free event: Join me live Wednesday. 3/6 at 7pm EST. 

If you're in a relationship, there still might be kernels of reflection made possible through reading this post. You also may have a friend, a kid, or another family member who could benefit from reading this.You won’t find the perfect partner, because there’s simply no jackpot in another person.

I’m seeing countless single clients make this mistake over and over and over again: They’re either refusing to get specific about what it is that they want in a partner, or they’re hoping, dreaming, praying and expecting a too-good-to-be true version of a human being.

Let’s address the first mistake: Boundaries create freedom, and by specifying to yourself, your friends, the universe or God what you want creates a healthy boundary around your heart and your needs. It means you’ve taken the time to be introspective, to reflect on your sexual/relational history as well as your childhood, beliefs, and values. When you do this, it becomes almost impossible to not declare what you want. 

Our intimate relationship determines the quality of our life. If it is a troubled or toxic one, it doesn't matter what the rest of life looks like, we will experience deep stress and distress. So why wouldn’t we take the time to get clear about this significant part of life? By taking the first step towards clarifying what we want, we are in fact stepping into our worthiness.

To read about the various lists I have all my single clients write, click here.

The flip side of the relationship “anti-manifestation” coin is getting caught up in the delusion of a too good to be true partner. Firstly, get rid of your criteria for looks. No doubt, you absolutely need to be attracted; but, I would strongly advise that you be more open if you’ve been hyper focused on height, hair color, eye color, clothes, and body type. Instead, focus on character. Character includes their values, beliefs, energy, vibe, and even their lifestyle.

I must also warn you of the trap so many fall prey to which prevents them from meeting the right person: It’s the desire trap. Desire is great, but if it’s not met with an authentic understanding of your needs, then you can forget relationship success. You must prioritize what you need based on the lessons of your past relationship pain. In order to truly understand and integrate these lessons, you must be willing to investigate your childhood pain and traumas. There’s just no way around it: unresolved childhood issues mess with your sexual radar.

For example, I was raised by a troubled father. He had zero emotion regulation skills, so we all danced around his moods, our feet battered and bruised by egg shells. Each night, we anxiously anticipated which side of him would show up to the dinner table. He was distant, narcissistic and unreliable. My mother, on the other hand, was very hands on and made up for my father's lack by being extremely nurturing and safe. 

Ergo, I have had healthy relationships, but I’ve had some not so healthy ones too. And my last one - my marriage, was the relationship rock bottom I needed that forced my eyes wide open to my unresolved issues. The relationship pattern was: childish lust with eager attachment to one another in the beginning, later becoming the dreadfully awkward dance between a love avoidant and an anxiously attached codependent.

I was the anxious one, desperately looking for more intimacy, and he, equally desperate, ran away from it. Intimacy, however, was very much misunderstood by the both of us.

I own this. I’ve done the emotional labor to be able to see all the nuances of that relationship along with all the others with clear eyes free of delusion, blame, and denial. I would like that for you too.

Painful relationship patterns repeat when we are unconsciously being driven by old wounds that began in childhood. So the path to breaking them consists of 1 giant and unavoidable step: Identify and address the unconscious stories about your past that live in your psyche and nervous system. These are the stories that rob you of your worth, and have replaced it with blame, shame, guilt, and anger.

And here's the truth that no one talks about: you won’t heal every wound. None of us will, so let's take the crushing pressure of that off our shoulders, shall we? But, you can own them so that they don’t own you. Being owned by our wounds plays out as a constant projection of our sh*t onto our lovers, partners, and everyone else. It reflects a lack of awareness, accountability and sensitivity. Being owned by wounds is to find ourselves *consistently* in ruts, unresourceful, and emotionally deregulated.

When in a relationship, simply saying: “I know this is my stuff, but it is really hard for me right now” is highly mature communication. And when we respond to that with presence and empathy - that is communication mastery.

When we own where and when we’ve been wounded, we can choose partners more consciously. Which is why it’s not enough to know what you want. You must define what you need. 

(And if you find yourself not attracted to what you need, then there's more work to be done. Either more healing is needed, more lessons to be learned, or you simply aren’t being honest about who is the best partner for you.)

Here's an example of what I mean: Please note that some of you will relate to this exactly, and some of you will not in which case plug in your personal “perfect combination”.

You may find that you’re saying to yourself and to your friends that you need a strong, reliable partner. Someone who is decisive, who can take control when necessary, and who is not wishy washy or overly emotional. In the same breath, you also claim that you need him or her to be able to ‘go with flow’ and be capable of freely sharing and communicating their emotions and thoughts with you.

Here’s the conflict: You can’t have all of the above in 1 person. Yes, I really mean this, so let me explain in further detail:

A person can for sure embody many qualities, strengths, and states of being. In fact, what I advise people all the time is to tap into the many parts of themselves so that they can feel more whole, alive and fulfilled. But a strong, reliable, decisive, non wishy washy or overly emotional person who is also go with the flow, and who freely expresses emotion? C’mon. 

Trust me, I’ve been in my own ‘perfect combo fantasy land’ many times, so no judgement. But that's also partly why I feel so compelled to help. 

Does 'strong' and 'expressive' live in the same human? Yes, of course. 

Does ‘not wishy washy’ and ‘go with flow’ exist? Sure.

Lots of combinations exist - think of the ones that exist in you.

Yet none of us are perfectly balanced. That's more my point.

The scale always tips to one side more heavily than the other, because we aren’t perfect. And although every yin comes with a yang, and the moon is always followed by the sun, in the world of human personality, one part of our being will always be more developed than another and the more we accept that in ourselves, the more we can accept it in others.

That is precisely why based on your history, you need to prioritize what YOU need. Unapologetically. Not what you wish you needed, not what your bestie needs, not what you would need if you healed every single wound you’ve got. But what you truly and sincerely need in order to feel seen, heard, and understood. To be fulfilled in a relationship, for the long term.

So here's two lists I’ve added to my repertoire that I have all my single clients create when they’re calling in a new and better relationship:

1. write down everything you absolutely and non negotiably NEED. Even if - especially if it isn’t glossy or shiny.

2. write down all the flaws you are willing to live with because he or she meets your most important needs.

To be clear, I never, EVER want you or anyone to settle. That is not my message. My message is, know yourself. Know what your core triggers are and know what has and has NOT worked for you in the past. I’m not suggesting that you get realistic about your expectations as much as I’m urging you to be realistic about what you need in order to be truly fulfilled in a relationship. 

My message is about authenticity. 

I know what I can tolerate (god knows I need someone tolerant of me) and what I absolutely will not tolerate. Knowing this gives me so much freedom. The kind of freedom that resides within the sweet confines of my boundaries.

For instance, I will not tolerate a man who isn’t willing to work on becoming more emotionally in touch (if necessary). Which means, I must do the work to becoming more open and receptive. But, I’d rather he be an unwavering presence for me when I’m highly emotional, then to have a highly emotional man. That is just me. You have to decide no matter who you are and who you date, what is right for you.

Zero judgment. All realness.All my love,JillianPs: I'm giving a FREE relationship talk tomorrow evening at 7pm EST. Online. It's best for singles and the heartbroken. But anyone can join and benefit. If you or anyone you know could use it, sign up here. Space is limited.