Self - worth is a choice.

, When he said I don’t love you anymore. When she said it.To that time you got fired from your job.To when you didn't get picked for the team.While you waited for that raise, accolade, that “good job”, or that heart shaped ‘like’.To when your ex started dating someone else.To how your clients, students, friends, invites, and calls went from huge to almost nothing.

Feeling not enough = suffering. 

We all feel it, fear it, and avoid it as much as we can. It’s what keeps many from opening their hearts, starting that business, taking that risk, making that decision, and even telling the truth. 

Feeling not enough is at the core of almost every fight you have with your lover, your friend, or your family. Feeling not enough is at the root of every insecurity you have about your body, your face, your sex life, your love life - or lack thereof,  your work life, your mom life, your dad life.

It’s not created equal in all of us, yet for each one of us it’s there. Not all of the time, and not in every area of your life. Yet, we have triggers that even when slightly brushed, will fire off an explosive amount of energy throughout our entire nervous system.

I believe aging grows our self worth, and that is the gift of aging: being able to say “fuck it” way more often.

I believe self-esteem is not a symptom, but a job. 

It’s not a symptom of something we achieved - be it money, popularity, or someone's love. Instead, our self worth is an inside job that never ends. That's why it’s the most important gig we’ll ever have. We must grow it ourselves, all the time. Grow it by saying yes, and by saying no. By doing things, by not doing. By listening and giving and loving more.

Below are 10 ways, or better said, 10 things to consider when it comes to matters of self-worth. I don't go into much detail here, but in the coming weeks, you’ll notice how I touch on these tools with greater sensitivity, through richer content. Number 10 is my favorite.

1. “Be yourself” - The best AND worst advice. ‘Best’ because being you is far better than pretending to be anyone else. It misses because authenticity takes time. Understanding who we are is a life-long quest. However: we must be vigilant about not being who we’re not. That's easier. When you violate your truth, you’ll feel your artificiality.

2. Watch your language

. The way we talk to ourselves is often atrocious. Language is habitual so we must step back to identify the words making us sick. I discipline myself to intercept negative self talk. I’ve trained myself to push it away, fast. I fail often, but I practice it diligently.

3. Challenge your beliefs

. We’re attached to the way we see ourselves and the world. But: a narrow perspective leads to misery. Question your beliefs - especially the ones you’ve been conditioned to believe by your upbringing. Some are serving you well, and some are blocking you immensely. Update them.

4. Accept your shortcomings.

We all have a ‘thing’ that’ll forever be our battle. We’ve all felt disabled, handicapped in our ability to deal with specific circumstances in life. You know your battle. At some point, you gotta say to yourself: “this is part of me. I’ll pay attention to it so it doesn’t ruin my life, but it’s here”. Apologizing for it, compensating for it, and lying about it can end, now. 

5. Honor this battle in someone you love

. Honor it in everyone. This is the kindest act of all. Being kind amplifies our self worth.

6. Define your values

. Then cut through them to discover what deeper needs are driving them. For instance, if travel is important to you, then what's deeper is probably a need for adventure, or for growth. Live your life in alignment with what matters to you. If you don’t, you’ll feel like you’re cheating on yourself. 

7. Know safe is risky

. I love certainty, and all the familiar comfort it comes with. But being too safe is bad for your self esteem. Take (measured) risks. Take them professionally. Take them in love. 

8. Evolve your relationship with failure

. Expect it rather than protect yourself from it. When you fear it, it’s because

you believe

it signifies the end. The end of the project, or the dream. Sometimes it does, but more likely it means you need a new strategy, or a fresher perspective. Failures are lessons and they make great stories. 

9. Watch your body:

Low self worth is only one part of you. It’s the part that’s physically exhausted and feels unsure. High self worth is also part of you: it’s the part that’s energized and feels certain. There’s a physiological pattern to every single emotion you feel. If you want to feel better - more confident, then you must shift your body. If all you have is 5 minutes, use them to charge or soften your body and breathing.

10. Listen to your body.

It doesn't lie. You have a somatic response to every thought, circumstance and person. Instinct, gut feeling, intuition - it all boils down to the fact that your body talks to you. Logic is wonderful. Use it. But using logic to solve a problem is not the same as when your mind screws you into second guessing what it is that you already know. Don’t get caught in the “I should be open-minded” trap when you feel something is off about another person. This is the most important practice of all, and the most difficult to master because everyone is already masterful at questioning themselves. The message then is practice getting over it when you

do

make a mistake. Perhaps

that’s

the only tool we need to build our self worth.

Build someone up today. Notice how it builds you up, times 2.

You are enough. Even when you’re not your best. 

Here's to you, and yours.

All my love, Jillian