Hi ,First thing is quickly first: Tomorrow evening, for Valentine's Day, I am conducting a FREE online Masterclass on The 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak. You'll learn my step-by-step approach that when followed, guarantees moving on and up. Whether you're in the throes of heartbreak, or being haunted by past ones. Come.Tell a friend in need. Bring your notes taking skills, a little nosh and join me. Click here to join for free.But keep reading.....There's a lot here. Below is a blog I wrote over the summer (with some tweaks) that I felt intuitively needed to be shared again. Please note whether you're in a strong relationship, a toxic one, or are single, you will benefit.There’s no jackpot in a relationship or in another person.Yes, there are some situations between two people that are no doubt, extraordinarily intense. Circumstances such as abuse, addiction, infidelity, and double lives. I believe that these challenges need to be addressed with incredible sensitivity, and the uniqueness of each couple facing such obstacles must be taken into strong consideration.
I am not addressing the above today. But if you’re experiencing such a thing, please email me directly and I will give you resources for help.
Today is about the all too common problems the modern intimate relationship faces: constant arguing, disengagement, insecurity, not feeling seen or heard, lack of intimacy - emotional and sexual, lack of communication, and simply but accurately put, STRESS.
It’s easy to say to someone, “if you’re not happy, then leave.”
Sorry, but it’s not that simple. And that mentality will for sure keep a person hopping from relationship to relationship trying to find their “happy” in each one, as if the primary purpose of a relationship is to make us happy - which it’s not. This is a rough and tough pill to swallow, but the truth is that a relationship’s primary purpose is to make us grow through learning how to love. Love the other, and love ourselves.
I know it can be very, very confusing. Especially when you feel and think you’ve tried everything and yet nothing is changing. When you’re sick of being dissatisfied, of being bored, misunderstood and hurt. Sick of being “unhappy”. It’s confusing sometimes to know when to pull the plug on your relationship.
All that “sick” will leave anyone exhausted, feeling battered and bruised by the enormity of the emotional labor each day brings when one is unsure of their love and relationship.
My advice to anyone, perhaps even you, on how to discern when it’s the time to go unfortunately requires more and stronger emotional labor, but here’s the difference: The exertion I’ll ask of you will lead you to your answer and more importantly, will guide you to yourself. It will transform your relationship into the one you hoped it would be when it first began, or it will give you the conviction and courage to say goodbye. Either way, you’ll get out of the relationship what you were meant to get out of it all along: growth, and a clearer understanding of what it is to truly love.
Before I go there, I want you to know something. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, (or someone you know is) that usually means your significant other is unhappy as well. And this is the whole point, because even though you may feel SO slighted, SO upset, SO convinced that the other person is the problem; the one who needs the help, the one who needs to wake up, change, or figure it out, I promise you that is NOT the case. You are the problem as well. And if that triggers you, I don't blame you, but hear me out: You are more powerful than you know and you have more influence over yourself and your relationship than you could ever imagine to be so. You aren’t a victim here, and that I hope empowers you to see your circumstance differently. You can change your situation as long as you embrace the unknown and divorce your addiction to the false certainty and importance of what being “right” gives you.
Before you end a relationship, consider below:
Do you add value to your partner’s life?
Your significant other is hurting because you are not meeting his/her needs. I know your needs aren’t being met either, but love is not a trade. It’s not: “I will give you when you give to me, and we will meet half way in the middle.” Nope. A healthy relationship is when sometimes you give more than the other, and sometimes it’s vice versa, but in the end, both of you give 100%, not 50%. You don't keep tabs. There is no tit for tat. The pendulum swings one way, and then it swings the other way, and you both do more than your part.
Giving to your partner what you would like to be given isn't a complete strategy. Yes, we all want and need love, respect, trust, excitement, security, fun, and significance. But what that MEANS - what that looks like for you isn't necessarily what it looks like for him, or her.
So, yes, I’m asking you to set aside your needs for a moment and ask your partner/spouse some questions:
What makes you feel totally certain and secure in our relationship? What do I do, or don't do, that makes you feel safe and what do I do that makes you feel unsafe?
What is excitement to you? What could I do to make things more exciting for you?
What makes you feel totally important and unique? How do I make you feel unimportant? What can I say or do to make you feel more significant?
What makes you feel totally loved and connected? Is it words? Touch? Glances? Checking in during the day? or _______?
What does it mean to you to grow as a couple? What makes you feel like we’re growing, or not growing?
Once you have the answers to these questions, rate yourself. Use a 0-10 scale if that helps. If you’re truly honest with yourself, how well are you actually meeting the needs of your partner? Have you truly been showing love the way he or she can feel it? Do you really make them feel safe the way they need to feel safe? And so on.
I promise if you were meeting all their needs at a high level, if you were truly adding value, if your priority was to love this person and light them up the way they need to be lit, you would not have a disgruntled partner. Guaranteed. Show unselfish and fearless love by discovering what they really need, and meeting those needs. Not by pleasing, not by having no boundaries, but by placing aside what you think they should appreciate.
When you don’t feel fulfilled in your relationship, however, it’s extremely challenging to even think about doing this for your partner. I get it. But you can no longer tell yourself the story that you “do so much for them” if what you’re doing is based on what you want, not on what really matters to them, in their hearts. You can no longer behave or feel like a victim if you’re just as guilty as they are. You can’t end the relationship and say you tried everything, when you haven't tried this first. And no question, you may need a third party to help you navigate the murky, self protective waters of the ego’s pain, and that is OK - it’s often to be expected.
It’s definitely possible you have a selfish partner. Or a shut down, contemptuous one. Or you may find that you can’t actually meet their needs the way she or he needs you to.
If you’ve truly and honestly tried everything, including prioritizing their needs, and yet can confirm that you’re with a “taker,” then there’s a hefty misalignment here. Consider leaving. Big time.
If you don't think you can meet these needs - if you're just too hurt to go try, don’t bail, yet. Don’t leave because you’re having a hard time stepping outside of yourself enough to have true empathy for your partner. Get really good help, first. Especially if you love this person and have a whole lot invested in your relationship.
If you’re the quiet type who prefers to play things safe, and your partner is an adventurist and thrives off of uncertainty, then your natures might be out of alignment. Maybe it was hot in the beginning, but its possible that this is not the right thing, long term. **your values must be similar, and your natures must be complimentary and / or similar.**
If you never really loved this person, if you just never felt “it” for him or her, or perhaps you were too young, or didn't know yourself then like you do now, or you married for reasons that you no longer value, it’s ok to listen to the voice that whispers “go” in your ear. Sometimes you just know that someone isn't right for you.
Your decision to stay or to go is ultimately irrelevant. What’s crucial, however, is how clear headed and integrated you are when you do decide, and that it’s not from a place of victimhood or righteousness. The above questions are meant to guide you outside of yourself, outside of your pain, and to see the world through your partners eyes. Through their lens which is filtered by their past, their nervous system, their beliefs, values, traumas, and drives. This is empathy. This is how you grow. There’s no jackpot in a relationship, or in another person. There’s only the opportunity to transcend our own shit. You can still go, and you may need to. Or you can stay, because, well, you discovered that there’s still more love to give and receive inside your relationship.
Face yourself, and decide.
Here's to learning how to love.
All my love, to you.
Jillian
